Don’t you just love it how not more than a couple of words seem to actually manage to sum up your feelings? I know.
You’re probably not reading this, but for all it’s worth…I’m still thinking about you. It catches up with me in those moments where time seems to stand still; a more than usual quiet playground masked with squeeling children or in the morning right before I realize that all the feelings are coming back. I stop and stare into space, no one knows the depth of my thoughts or how the sharp edges still seem to make me clench in pain emotionally.
You say things like find help in friends and family, but that can only help to a certain degree. People don’t actually do actions for you at the end of the day, ppl aren’t the ones living your own and precious life. Every moment is filled with decision making it seems, making a whole day full of them.
Sometimes I half smile at my pathetic thoughts. I picture you saying things, things like you’d want me back…things like that. I picture all that for a moment, just to imagine that relief flooding in…it’s almost like I can taste it, and trying to bask in it for a split second, or at least until I finally realize these are only my thoughts, my imagination.
I wonder if you think about me through out your day, I seem to care to wonder how long it might take you to forget about me eventually, not that i’d ever want that to happen, a broken hearted woman can still have her moments can’t she.
I feel like I know exactly what all my friends would say about you and me and what’s happened ‘forget about him! shake it off! oh c’mon now…’ I picture all those words and my head would nod on the outside, but my heart would clench and know otherwise. It would reach out, arms out, palms up and ask shakily ‘how..?’ and it seems that all they might say afterwards, wouldn’t even begin to help.
I find it almost funny how ppl never tell you what your 20’s really are like…as a child you thought it would have been the best time of your life. Who ever knew just how much heavy choices you’d have to make, what friends you had to choose, what career you should go for, what dreams should you leave to wither and die, what dreams should you settle for or not, what…everything.
Today I thought about myself a year ago, I remember I was trotting the university I want to attend, it was a blazing summers day…hot as can be and deserted as only summer could make it. I wasn’t alone and was glad to be accompanied with someone I wanted to share the experience with. Looking back, it was a curious and fulling day of open desires and new hopes. I did my reserch beforehand, but being free and hungry…and knowing myself, I wanted more. I wanted to know exactly what I should be going for major wise, and nothing was going to stand in my way…or so I naively thought.
You may ask why do I regress back a year, what significance does it hold. Today I thought about it and came to this personal understanding, the feeling of failure has it’s own significant weight. Back than, I actually thought I could get into the program (major) I wanted. Despite having sat there for a good at least half hour with a counselor; her hearing what I wanted to head for…her trying to make me understand how hard it is and challenging, that I should know what i’m getting into..everything really…remembering all this and looking at myself today, I can’t help but shed the tears. I was so enthusiastic, all her words were like coal to my furnace and fire to my soul, they fueled me up and made me want to prove her wrong! everyone wrong. I literally remember walking back to the car, me and the other person, and I said ‘that test I have to do? what, no biggie…I can do this. I can pass the mark’.
Now look at me today, after two courses, after two attempts, and I’m not even beginning to brush where I needed to. Took me months to get over that dream. Absolutely months, and perhaps i’m not over it because I still write about it as I do here.
A week or so ago I thought to myself, maybe I should give this another try…take that test all over again, prove myself wrong. But the very thought of the stress, the personal frustration, everything all together just seems to bring me to tears. How do I even begin to handle another failure? who’s to say I would even get to where I wanted to? I lowered my standards, picked another major yet the stakes are high enough. You can imagine all of this just pushes further unnecessary stress that no one really wants to begin with. Yet the thoughts are still there.
If you were to ask me what I think I should do, I’d say I should go for it. Do it all over again, at least try. Yet I know myself, I will try to actually try and I know what’s keeping me back, it’s these overwhelming feelings of depression. All of these leads me to think thoughts of ‘why bother finding a job? to fund a major I would barely have anything to do with to begin? what’s the point.’ Don’t you just hate discouraging thoughts like that? I know I do…
I find that depression can keep you back from a lot of things. It feeds your insecurity and won’t let you go. You try hard and then you fall hard later on. You pick yourself up again and again and it gets tiring…you know at the end of the day that probably only you can do that, yet you cry for help, silently within yourself naively thinking someone would care to hear.
But, with you, it felt silenced. The hurt didn’t feel as great, the pain didn’t cut so deep. You were there for months, egging me on to keep trying, to keep being me…and I never felt so loved as I did feel low.
I catch myself throughout the day, so angry at you. At you leaving me when I needed you the most, at you ending things…at the distance you keep from me. The more distanced and cold you become the harder it is for me. The more I want to reach, the more pathetic I must look. And, I am torn between everything. I know I should let go….that I should just let go, yet my heart yearns and won’t let me. What’s worse is…it won’t go away. This longing deep desire to talk to you and let it all out and be us again…it won’t go away. It’s like, ironically enough, that I have no time in order to get over you. I have no time. Because, I have to focus of studying and I haven’t been able to open a text book in more than a week. You left me unsettled and hurt. I have no time to get over you, I can’t even focus. I can’t get over this anger and hurt I have…I was willing to put it all away if you just took me back but…you didn’t.
I don’t know anymore, all I know is that I should turn myself around because I already got comments today of myself that have made me want to change, but it seems so hard to take that very first step. Oh well.
To any follower that’s read until the end, I salute you my friend.
To that special someone that’s read until the end, my heart bleeds for you.
Have a good day everyone.