I had to stop myself today.
In the midst of having this internal, or not so internal breakdown, I suddenly forgot I couldn’t just run back to you. I couldn’t purge my hurt anymore to you; I couldn’t have you anymore as I’d like. Immediately, as if I had this special little flashing system of words over my eyes, I saw again and again what you last said to me; ‘we’re done’. What felt like weeks was only a couple of days or so, but…it’s hard to process it. What good would it do if I were to play this act of seeming like I am okay. I am not okay and I know that much. I want your advise and your words and your thoughts and everything in between. I keep steering myself away from it, I keep looking away. What self respecting woman keeps throwing herself onto someone that doesn’t want anything more to do with her. What self respecting woman let’s another just play with her heart. Maybe it’s me falling too hard in love, too deep to notice the nicks and the not so blunt edges of things.
I loathe the fact that you’re so determined and calm about all this, while I, alone and beside myself can barely even keep it together. I tried for a day to completely and utterly forget about you, brush it over, like things never happened. Then suddenly my heart comes back to you; about something you mentioned before, about this celebrity I see that you fancy, about a little song that you like. It all comes rushing in and I feel myself shred. My body betrays me all over again. My heart expands and my eyes brim with tears. Why are you so clam. Why are you so collected. Why am I such a mess. Why am I the one that’s such a mess.
I had to lie down today, I felt too upset with my thoughts, too sick and dizzy. Staring at the ceiling and feeling my chest expand slowly, I inhale and think how have I come to this. What have I done. Why do I feel so broken and shattered I cannot even hope for too long. I exhale long and shallowly, fighting to calm down all over again. I want to run to you, I need your advice. Then your words start dancing all over again, and my self pride shrivels up, my heart taking over, then my soul begins fighting to keep it all together again.
I need your hand; I need your comforting words again. No one feels me and understands me as you do and I fear like i’ll never get to have someone like you in my life.
I want those endless nights of talking about everything and nothing, I want our inside laughs about the most trivial things, and your teasing and our fun. I want all that selfishly and endlessly with all my heart.
But I know you’re going to say it all again; you’re going to break my heart and make me see things like you want me to. You’re going to paint that picture for me, lay down the canvas and make me look at the whole landscape of us. You will point to the whole picture and I would take your hand and make you see the small details that make us. I know it’s not enough for you, because I know you. You want the whole thing or nothing, you’d rather shred it all than to have a small piece of the painting…I know you.
I tried today all over again. I thought cleaning things would eventually help clean my heart…naive me, thought that would actually help. I kept cleaning and organizing like my whole day depended on it. It was when the sun sat and the sky took a pitch black hue, and the lights shone bright outside, trying with all their might to light the hopes of our day still…that I had to stop. I stopped and descended, my thoughts heavy, my heart wanting to run away, although it knew that it had no where to do just that. So I thought long and hard; I suddenly remembered the quote above, and in an instant I knew that was exactly what I had to do.
I am still angry, I am still hurting. I know enough that…it doesn’t matter to you because you’re one to be selfish enough to fulfill what’s good for you, and i’d be damned if not the whole entire world had a bit of that too, including me.
What am I going to do when I want to share things with you, say them to someone else, just like you said? I cannot do that. Because, when I want to share things…you’re the first person I want to do that with. You might think I could just do that with anyone, but that is far from the truth.
What am I going to do with all these feelings I have for you, they won’t let me be. I turn my head and there you are in my thoughts, I shrug and I feel a pull all over again, you won’t let me be with all I feel for you. One wrong word, one distant memory of ours and it all comes flooding back. I cannot act like I don’t care; that’s not who I am. And you’re going to be stubborn and stay blind to me, but i’m going to keep hurting until I can’t no more.
No one teaches you at school how to deal with a broken heart, no one teaches you how to deal with life in all it’s forms.
No one teaches you in the army how to deal with your emotions; you become this screw in a system of pieces, a system that’s supposed to function without fail. You become like everyone - you are just a number, punched in metal, worn around your neck…covered in sweat, tears and desperation…yet you wear it proudly, still.
Everytime I saw a couple, I naively thought of us. That might make me seem desperate and perhaps even too hopeful…but it’s true. I thought of us; what we might do, how we might be. I thought of all the things I wanted to do with you, all the fun and intimate things along the trivial and calm. I never felt so wanted in my life with anyone else, as pathetic as I may seem.
I am such a coward. I can magine you reading all of this right now…and I can even picture what you might say ‘you’ll be fine’, ‘i’ll manage’, ‘we’re done, I thought I was clear’…and I fear hearing this all over again, I don’t want to know, I don’t want things to be clear all over again.
I shared so many things about me with you, that no one even knew. No one knew how badly I was and still am hurting like you did. No one knows how I cry right now as I write all of this…secluded in the corner of my room, filled with desperation and a heavy heart, I let it all out as best I can.
I told you this before, but you’re actually one that’s going to make it…i’m sure. I still wish I felt so.
I know I can put on this mask, act like i’m fine….but i’m not.
Trying to stifle my chuckle of nervous desperation and self loathing, I extend my arms for all to see; I am broken and I am hurting.
Just like E.H said ‘write hard and clear about what hurts…’ I can keep on. I can keep writing about my over brimming heart that’s trying to conceal this overwhelming feeling of failure, I can write about about my fear of constantly losing hope, I can write about what keeps me up at night, I can write about what makes me suddenly have to stop myself and breath deeply because I get on the verge of a panic attack. I can write about all that….but what good would it do if I can’t talk to you. if I can’t have you no more.
So I lay back, on my bed, dizzy and feeling sick…trying to contemplate how my life has gotten so low, how my emotions dig in and won’t let me be, how i’m trying to desperately cling on to every shred of hope I can find.
And still, even though you broke my heart and tore me apart,
it’s still you I want to talk to,
still you that makes me feel like I can be whole again.
And it’s like I’m shouting into a void, and no one will hear me, and i’ll keep hurting, helplessly hoping that you’ll care….but I should know better.
I always knew you were the calm and collected one;
and I was the broken, bleeding mess I am now.
It’s silly really, I cannot see the moon outside my window right now;
which makes me feel like I have no friend to talk to tonight, so I sit all alone in the dark, my lamp illuminating my flowing tears and I hope, hope so hard, maybe even foolishly so and perhaps evermore in vain….
that you’d want me back
The importance of consent: a narrative.
I will forever reblog this gifset.
look at how badass she is though i mean some of it gets on her too and doesn’t even give a fuck
She pours hot liquid on her own leg she’s that badass.
fire cannot kill a dragon.
that last comment omg